3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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