I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
