Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
