He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
