I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
