Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
