Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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