i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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