Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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