i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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