yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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