just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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