You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
