Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
