did you get engaged???
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
