He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
When are your genitals available?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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