her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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