Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
