I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
