I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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