But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
