watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
