He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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