I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
