Moan for me like Helen Keller
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
