My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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