I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
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