remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
