Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
