the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
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