He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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