I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
