Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
