mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
