I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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