True but thats because hes a fetus.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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