You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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