p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
