can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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