I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
