Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
