What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
