Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
