He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
