Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
