Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
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