If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
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You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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