Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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