my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
