I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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