Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(314): View more from Missouri

On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(785): View more from Kansas

THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.

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