Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
