he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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