It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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