also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She bit a glass in half.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
