every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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