So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
