i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
