Will you blow on my dice?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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