your room smells of hookers.
And success
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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