omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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