I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
