I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
