I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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